Here I am again, the middle of in-between, the space where no one talks about and everyone does their best to avoid. There are no answers here, only questions. Not the ones that make you hope or wish or dream, no, this is the dreaded space. The type of questions that naw and scrape at you, that never leave you alone and make you feel like you are falling in your dreams with nothing to grab a hold of.
I don’t pretend to understand it, and though I try my best to keep my wits about me, I feel like I am failing. I’m falling and failing while the world continues to zoom upward and I, I spiraling below without a thing to hold. My mind is filled with all the awful questions and none of the answers. Even the worst answers I could bear right now if only they could offer themselves.
But no. You have me here, in the in-between where there is nothing but You and I and nothingness.
What would you have me say? What would you have me do? That I trust it will all turn out? That I believe you will do a beautiful thing and save my child if only I really truly can trust and give you my hand? That is the hand that took my child before, it is hard to reach for.
It is blindingly horrifying to let go of her and grab hold of you. I must, for there is nothing truly in my hand and nothing to grab but yours. I must trust that if she lives, she lives by your hand alone and I must walk in the darkness until you bring her out. Either to hand her to me or take her to be with you.
You have promised nothing but that you will be with me. You may take her and I must let you. The question of why you ever brought her to me will forever remain just that- a question. But the fact of your goodness remains, even in the darkness.
I understand nothing and see even less. So here in the darkness I will remain until you bring me out. For in the darkness I would rather be that in the light alone.
Sidewalk Chalk 