When the truth is a B#&$@

We all have those places we go to rest, escape, or otherwise run away from the world for a little while. And of course, there are times we need these places more frequently than not.

I have found myself seeking out those routes of escape and rest for the past month or so, primarily due to my health (or lack thereof) which has a way of exhausting my patience as much as my body.  Lupus, I’ve learned, doesn’t play by anyone’s rules but it’s own. I get so tired of feeling like shit, so over the idea of fighting for my body,  doing everything right yet still suffering the consequences of the disease.  I get so burned out from trying to appear well to everyone around me even when I’m no where close to that in reality.

Sometimes I just can’t keep up with it all,  and I suppose this has been one of those times.   My 6 month check in last week didn’t go as well as I’d hoped,  the lab work showing a majority of my levels are off for reasons I can only speculate about.  Nausea has been a daily battle of late, as well as the intense exhaustion that leads me to sleep 10 hours at night and 3-4 during the day whenever I get the chance.

I hate writing this, I despise both the truth of it and the fact that I can’t ‘get over it’ at the moment.  I am an optimist at heart, and when an optimist gets to a point where they can no longer point to the sunshine in a given matter, they feel they’ve failed somehow.

At least I do.

So thats me at the moment, in all my honest glory. Trying to get food down, trying to keep it down, trying to stay positive even though I don’t feel like it, and trying to hold enough sunshine together for other people so they don’t have to hear about this nonsense.  So why am I telling you?  I actually didn’t intend to – it’s sort of just what came out when I sat down to write.  But I suppose if you’ve chosen to read this, you can handle my griping……..and if not, hopefully you’ve stopped reading by now.

But back to what I originally came here to say- where we go to rest.  I do find that in times like these it can be quite helpful to recall to mind those places you go to rest, even if they’re not immediately accessible. Just knowing they’re there waiting for you can be comfort enough until an escape route has been forged.

I have a few,  please feel free to partake in my repertoire as you find useful.

First one that comes to mind is my dog, Mr B.  Dogs have an innate ability to sense suffering in a way human beings usually can’t. He will come and lie next to me, let me bury my face in his fur, he will make me laugh, and encourage me to get out for some fresh air when needed.  He is, by far, the creature I rely most on.

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Another would be the park where I take him in the evening.   It’s quiet, green, cool, and almost magical. It’s away from the world, the street, and most people. The friends I walk with there require no explanation or even conversation at times. We just come there to escape with our dogs.

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My closest friends.  Being an introvert, this isn’t always my go-to, although it probably should be more often than I let it.  I need people, even though I debate that fact with myself more often than I should.   Mikey, Q, sister and Suj, they are my peeps.

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Target. Most girls reading this will understand this with zero explanation. I don’t know how they did it, but the creator’s of Target cast a magic spell over all Targets in the land, making them a place where you can’t help but be happy and shop.  Perhaps not the most feasible place to go in you’re in a financial pinch  (the spell also causes you to buy things you otherwise didn’t know you needed)  but it sure makes us smile, doesn’t it?

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Writing. Hello!

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Old bookstores

Running. This one is tricky.  It’s definitely an escape for me, but one my body has to capable of performing in order for it to work. When I’m able to, however, it is beautiful.

Good books, good movies. No explanation needed

Getting on the back of a horse and just riding. Wish I could do this more often.

I could probably keep going, but I’ll stop there for now.  You get the idea.  I hope the next time you find yourself feeling distraught or burdened, you can begin by looking at your list of escape routes and find one that can give you a bit of rest and relief.