I didn’t really wanted kids growing up, it was just never my thing. As I listened to most of the girls I knew dream non-stop about their goal to one day be a mom, it became very clear to me that I was an anomaly in that. It was not only one of their main goals in life, it was often the main goal.
And while I loved listening to them dream about it, it would never be my dream. And I was ok with that.
My dreams were just different. I wanted to learn to train dogs, play soccer, ride horses without saddles, and surf as well as any boy. I wanted to study voice and learn to sing, to perform and share my love for music with the world. I wanted to write, go to school to study counseling and bring hope to the heartbroken. I wanted to have huge dogs and love someone who I could truly call my bestie.
And so I did. I did all these things and more, and life has been beautiful.
This past year, two surprise children found their ways into my life, my belly and my heart. They did not stay long, but oh how I loved them.
I still do. These two beautiful, precious souls taught me so much about life and love, and my soul at it’s core. They showed me a piece of myself I had, perhaps, never really looked hard at. When I love, I love deeply, perhaps fearlessly. My heart takes in any creature put before me, and to a depth I don’t even understand.
I’ve always been that way, mom says it was my superpower growing up. I could see people’s souls- their pain and joy-and I could love in a way she couldn’t always explain, on a level that couldn’t be deciphered logically. When I loved, I just never half-assed it. I either did or I didn’t, there was no in-between. And I embraced the pain that came with it whole-heartedly.
My babies came to mess up my plan, to remind me that my plan didn’t matter.
Because, you see, they were never in my plan to begin with. And then, once they came, my plan was to keep them, but it didn’t really turn out that way. Funny thing is, I would do it all over again, just the same.
Why? Because love isn’t contingent upon whether or not you get to hold onto that which you love, it simply exists.
Forever.
I got to know a love I didn’t know existed. And there it was.
And there it is.
They are gone, but not really. I think of them daily and smile. I know them, even though that shouldn’t be possible. I do.
And they remind me what a beautiful life this is. I see them when I look into M’s eyes looking down into mine. I seem them in our two beautiful angel beasts they call dogs. I see them in the sky, and in the sun, and in the ocean waves.
I miss them, but I am glad they came, and my story is different because of them. To love the beautiful souls and creatures around me, just as I always have, freely, deeply, and fully, that is a gift. I continue to carry that love wherever I go, and now they are a part of me.
Sidewalk Chalk 