I’ve been putting this off for a while, probably sorta hoping it would just go away if I waited long enough. The thought wasn’t exactly illogical, though perhaps a bit optimistic given my circumstances.
Last month I had my 2nd yearly BHD MRI scan and was told I have a 9.4x 4.6 cm cyst growing around my liver now. While I’d like to say I wasn’t expecting this, part of me knew something was up, because honestly, when it comes to my body when isn’t something up? I’ve been pretty queasy for the past 3 months, chomping on tums to get me through the day, and popping dramamine at night when I eat to keep from hurling . I had been in other treatments just prior and originally thought that was the cause, but then the treatment ended and the quease persisted. I had no idea why and was really just too tired of trying to figure out why my body does what it does to care all that much. After a while you just learn to accept things and not ask questions.
They cannot touch it without risking damage to my liver, so for now I’m just being monitored to see if it grows since they are 95% confident it is not malignant and won’t do any permanent damage aside from making me pretty uncomfortable.
And so, I just added it to the pile and endured.
I wish I could sit here and tell you that in doing so I handled it all like a champ. That despite this new thing being added to all the rest of what I’ve been battling, it didn’t take me down.
But it did.
This is now the 4th organ my BHD has affected since I was diagnosed last year. I’ve had 4 chest tubes for collapsed lungs, 2 VATS lung surgeries, a uterine surgery to remove a growth, a two inch ovarian cyst, two baby losses (one involving surgery) 3 months of infusions followed by three months of very difficult treatment. And now I am told I have a giant alien growing on my liver? Thats just dandy.
Everyone has their breaking point, turns out that was mine.
All these little things- the doctor calls, the growing charts, being told it’s just a matter of time before my lungs go down again, the scarring from so many IVs that they can no longer easily draw blood, the ignoring of my body because it just hurts now and that is life, the goodbyes and aloneness that can never explained in words. All these small things add up I guess.
But the thing is, even in the midst of it all I can still sit here and say it’s a bitch and also that life is so desperately beautiful and worth every tear.
As humans we want to separate. We want to neatly categorize the good from the bad, the black from the white, the their’s and mine. But the thing is, almost everything is both, and the more I’ve learned to accept that, the more indescribable joy I’ve been able to contain.
Darkness is a siren that will draw in every inch and swallow you whole if you buy the lie that Beauty is tidy or sensible or sane. If you are waiting for life to bring you happiness when you get it ‘sorted out’ life will come along to defy your soul and make you choose, and pain will always take you down. For you have to walk through the darkness to find the greatest good, and the deeper you go the more beautiful it becomes. It is dark and cold and unclear often, but if you look you will find the sky is dappled in gold.
It is both. It is all. And it is worth it.
And thats how I’m still standing (sitting) here and my heart is still so full of joy. I am no hero or even a particularly strong person in my opinion, and there are those who face much more difficult roads than I. I am simply an old soul who discovered a secret a while ago, and I’m here to pass that along to you. Please, take it. ❤
Sidewalk Chalk 