How not to open a bottle of beer

Did you know there are ways to open a bottle of beer without a corkscrew? Yes well there is.  I was not aware of this until tonight.

I was also not aware that there are ways in which you should NEVER  try to open a bottle of beer (or anything else for that matter).  These latter methods may result in things like broken knives, mangled corks and corks forever imprisoned within the bottle itself.

And yes, if  you’re wondering if my knowledge of these mishaps have something to do with firsthand experience with them, you’d be right.  Lets be honest, it is me, after-all.  After realizing I had no corkscrew, I was of course too stubborn to actually read through the instructions I had just googled, and thought skimming would suffice.

Before you judge me too harshly, keep in mind that it was the end of a rather long day which may or may not have involved a very unpleasant conversation,  food poisoning, a large and painful dog bite to my eye, surgical urgent care and a broken down car.    I had been looking forward to a drink for most of it, acutely aware that a framboise lambic was sitting happily in the backseat of my car teasing me the whole time.

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Not eyeshadow, my friend.  Sexy, huh?

You can imagine my chagrin when, finally ready to wrap myself in a blanket on the couch and pour myself a glass, my corkscrew is nowhere to be found.  After staring at the bottle for a while in hopes that doing so might cause it to suddenly pop open, I decide to google instructions on how to manage without one.  I have no intention of actually reading through the instructions, so my decision to do so is of little consequence, but it happens nonetheless.

I see the word ‘knife’ and a picture of one being used as a corkscrew.  Aha, easy. Yeeeaaah.

If I had actually read the thing it might have been.

As it turns out, its really important not to turn the knife quickly, lest the tip breaks off and goes flying acoss the room somewhere. At this point I set down my broken knife and realize that the stubborn and very tired part of me is going to find a way to get it open, despite the consequences.  This scares me a little so I put on my sunglasses and helmet to avoid any further face wounds.

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After considering just breaking the top of the bottle off outside and finding myself far too enthused by the thought, I decide to avoid any more sharp objects if at all possible.  I discover a screwdriver and try that, only to successfully destroy the top of the cork, leaving nothing but a very secured base of a cork inside the bottle.

At this point I do the only thing any reasonable person would do and push the thing down into the bottle until it allows some space for me to pour it out.  At first the space is very small and I am only getting it to come out a drip at a time.  For a very thirsty, worn out person, this is incredibly trying, at best.

“This must be what chinese water torture feels like”, I think to myself.

Finally, after much ado, I get it to the point where I can pour a glass and breathe a big sigh of relief.

Damn

Needless to say, I enjoy that drink more thoroughly then anything I’ve had in a very long time.

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Cheers to the tenacious spirit.

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